本当にセックスしないの?いまどきレズビアンのリアルセックス事情 Are we really not having sex? True sex tales from young Lesbians


We’re back to ask the question--are young Japanese really not having sex? Following our interviews with straight guys and girls, we sat down with a group of lesbians to hear what they had to say on the matter. This bare-all interview touches upon sexuality, self-acceptance, sleeping with lovers and more.

UNI / 24歳 / 会社員

UNI - 24 - Office worker


Works in entertainment industry sales. Attracted to thick lips and well-defined facial features. Idolizes Winona Ryder. Currently in a relationship.

ゆか / 25歳 / 会社員

Yuka - 25 - Office worker


Resides in Tokyo. Works for an international IT firm. Likes responsible people. Favorite celebrity is Kiko Mizuhara. Currently in a relationship.

みき / 22歳 / フリーランス

Miki - 22 - Freelance


Resides in Kanagawa. Works in apparel and advertising. Most attracted to inquisitive and impulsive 30-somethings--especially if they’re fair-skinned with black hair. Currently in a relationship.

Q.自分のセクシュアリティに気づいたのはいつ?When did you first discover your sexuality?


ゆか:「小学生のころは “男の子が好き”って言ってたんですけど、それと同時に寝る前に顔を思い浮かべてる女の子がいたんです。なんとなく“その子と一緒に寝たいな〜”って思ってて(笑)。そのあと中高一貫の女子校に通うことになったんですが、“●●ちゃんって可愛いよね”って話してたら、いつの間にかレズみたいな扱いをされ始めて。そのうちに女の子から告白されるようになりました。同性同士が好きになるなんていけないことだ、って思ってたから、レズもゲイも正直気持ち悪いって感じてました。でも高3のときにタイプの女の子から“気になる“って言われて、自分もこの子なら良いかなと思って付き合ってみた。それで“やっぱ自分(女も)いけるんだ!”って実感した。当時『Lの世界』(アメリカ・ロサンゼルスを舞台にした、レズビアンやバイセクシュアルの女性が登場人物の中心となる海外ドラマ)が流行ったころで、それを観ながらHの仕方とか勉強したな。彼女ができて“こういう格好の方が似合うよ”ってアドバイスをもらうようになってから、見た目もボーイッシュになった。髪の毛も切ったし。いまはこっちのスタイルの方がしっくり来る」



UNI: “I knew as far back as nursery school. I had a crush on a girl in my class. I could be shy around her, but I’m also the type to tease people I like so she was a regular target. In second grade everyone would talk about our crushes. I was shocked when everyone named boys. To me there was nothing strange about being into girls.”

Yuka: “In elementary I would pretend to like boys but all I could think of laying in bed at night were other girls. I'd have vague fantasies about sleeping with them (laughs). I went on to all girls middle and high schools, where I eventually started being called a lesbian for talking about how cute other girls were. One day a girl actually hit on me. At the time I still felt like same-sex love was a dirty thing and that lesbians and gays were gross. In my senior year a girl I was attracted to said she was into me. She was my type so I thought it was worth a shot and we started dating. That’s when I first realized I could get aroused by another girl. ‘The L Word’ (an American drama centered around lesbians in LA) was popular at the time. It taught me a lot about how to have sex. My girlfriend would give me fashion advice, which led to me looking more and more boyish. I even cut my hair off. That style came to suit me best.”

Miki: “I can relate to that. ‘The L Word’ was big for me too. My parents are devout Christians so I was brought up totally opposed to same sex relationships. In elementary I would pretend to like boys like all the other girls did. I guess I wanted to experience being in a relationship but I’m not sure I was actually interested in anyone. Thinking back, I had a really cute classmate in second grade. One day she told me she was sick of playing with me and I cried my eyes out. I always wanted to be around cute girls as a child.”

Some girls know very early on, while it takes time for others to come to terms with their sexuality. For many, self-acceptance can be hard even after they begin to suspect they’re not straight. This may be because our society still isn’t totally understanding when it comes to sexual minorities. Learning that you’re sexually different from other can cause guilt, confusion or worse. LGBT related dramas and films have become increasingly popular in recent years. We can only hope that these works will heighten awareness among the general population and further the LGBT cause.

Q.カミングアウトをしたのはいつ?When did you come out of the closet?










Miki: “In junior high, when I realized I might be attracted to girls, I mentioned it to my older brother and sister. They just made fun of me, though. My sister said I was just going through a phase. Back then there wasn’t much media related to LGBT issues, which made coming out really scary. I moved to Tokyo when I was 18 and was finally able to make LGBT friends by going to events. Two years ago the girl I was dating was staying with me. One time when my father came to visit she more or less forced me to come out to him (laughs). My dad said that lesbians were disgusting but he hoped that we could become accepted by society.”

UNI: “The first person I came out to was a good friend from university, partly because we came from a liberal school. I couldn’t bring myself to say I was a lesbian then, so I just told her I was bisexual.”

Miki: “That’s pretty common. It can be embarrassing to say you’re lesbian, so people start by saying they’re bi.”

UNI: “Exactly, it’s like saying ‘I’m not completely strange.”

Yuka: “I’m still not comfortable telling people that I’m a lesbian or that I have a girlfriend.”

UNI: “I came out to my parents on Coming of Age Day. I had my first experience with a girl right around that time and decided to commit to that lifestyle. I was sitting in the back seat of their car and blurted out ‘I’m, like, dating a girl right now.’ I’ve always been a joker so they thought it was another prank or something. Then it hit them that I was serious. I thought it’d be OK to come out to them since they loved me, but my mom couldn't handle it. At first my dad said he was there to support me no matter what, but my mom got to him and he started saying that it was all in my head (laughs).”

Yuka: “I haven’t come out to my family, but I think they’ve got to know by now. I’ve brought my girlfriend home a bunch of times. We don’t communicate that much to begin with, so it’s hard to find the right timing to tell them. I’ve been slowly coming out to all my friends.”

UNI: “It’s hard to do when you don’t have any lesbians friends to give you support. I’d still be in the closet if I hadn’t started hanging out in 2-Chome (a major LGBT section of Shinjuku).”

It’s only natural to fall in love with someone, just like it’s only natural to want to be loved by your parents and friends for who you really are. Try to imagine the pain of wanting to reveal your sexuality but, being too afraid of what others will think, only being able to say you were bisexual.

Q.異性に対して性欲は湧かない?Do you have any attraction to the opposite sex?





ゆか:「あ、分かる! たとえばさ、男性に腰とか触られたりすると、反射的に“気持ち悪い”って感じる。それに“絶対、私の方があんたよりしっかりしてる”って思うし」


Miki: “I’ve dated and had sex with guys, but it’s been so long that I don’t really feel anything towards them anymore. I just prefer dating girls so much more. My friends all know me as a lesbian so they never introduce me to boys.”

Yuka: “There are guys who I respect or think are cool, but that’s all.”

UNI: “Even if I think a guy is really sexy or handsome I wouldn’t go hit on him. I don’t think I’d like to get physical with them.”

Miki: “I can’t imagine myself being affectionate with a guy.”

Yuka: “Same here! If a guy touches me it weirds me out. Plus I can’t help but think ‘I’m definitely more competent than you when it comes to you know what!’”

I once overheard a man say to a lesbian that she was a waste of a cute girl. Even if he was only trying to compliment her, it was such an offensive and dim-witted thing to say. Lesbians can’t help but be attracted to men. A girl isn’t a waste just because she doesn’t belong to you. Homosexuality should never be viewed as a negative trait.

Q.女性のどこに色気を感じる?What do you find sexy about other women?



みき:「鎖骨! あとくびれが好きです。くびれが好きすぎて、洋服屋さんのマネキンに抱きつきたくなることもある(笑)」





UNI: “I love big lips.”

Yuka: “Compared to men, women have much nicer skin. I like the feeling of silky smooth skin.”

Miki: “Collar bones! And small waists. I loved pinched waists so much that I always want to embrace store mannequins (laughs).”

UNI: “What is it about hugging women that’s so comforting? Men just don’t have that for me. It’s not about soft or firm bodies. There’s this special feeling.”

Miki: “I like being acknowledged as and being treated like a lady by other girls.”

UNI: “I think we just all like the female gender. The way girls put on lipstick or wear revealing clothes, it just turns us on.”

The phrase “I think we just all like the female gender” really struck me. If they try men could also have pouty lips, smooth skin and lovely collarbones but it doesn’t really all come together the same way it does for those living as a woman. You could say that lesbians are the connoisseurs of femininity.

Q.初めてセックスしたのはいつ?When did you have your first sexual experience?





Yuka: “It was either in the school restroom or a classroom. I can’t remember. It was a girl I’d been dating, just after my 18th birthday. We were classmates all through junior and high school.”

Miki: “I lived in an all girls dorm in high school and was actually molested by two girls there (laughs). We didn’t go all the way, though. Now they’re both married to men.”

UNI: “I was 20 the first time. It was with a girl I worked with.”

Their ages here match up with the straight boys and girls we interviewed previously. On average, most people tend to have their first experience from their junior year of high school. One girl even had the guts to do it at school with another girl. Living surrounded mainly by other females is said to increase lesbian tendencies, which also seems to be the case here.

Q.女性同士はどこからがセックスになる?How do you define sex between women?





Yuka: “If you kiss and sleep together, it’s sex.”

Miki: “That’s not really sex, is it?”

UNI: “Isn’t it when you both use some means of getting each other off in a sexual way?”

Unlike traditional sex, which starts with insertion and stops with ejaculation, it’s harder to pin down where lesbian sex begins and ends. These girls say sex starts with kissing and fondling each others breasts or other private areas. There are plenty of variations on this, of course. Oral, fingering, the scissor position and toys are just a few. Insertion is far from the only way to make love.

Q.男性とセックスをしたことはある?Have you ever had sex with a man?





Miki: “I have. I was around 16. I’d started to realize I was attracted to women but there was nobody I could tell that to and I didn’t really think I was a lesbian yet. A guy asked me out and we dated but it didn’t last very long.”

Yuka: “I haven’t! After dating girls so long there was never a point where I wondered if I should try dating a guy.”

UNI: “I’ve never slept with a guy. Guys have tried, but none have been successful (laughs).”

Some lesbians have had sex with men. For most, it’s before they’re sure of their own sexuality. I’ve heard that when they had sex with men, something just wasn’t right. It’s not until they feel the touch of another woman that they’re able to put a finger on what was wrong. So remember, even if a girl has straight sex, that doesn’t mean she couldn’t actually be a lesbian.

Q.セフレと付き合う人の違いとは?What’s the difference between a friend with benefits and a girlfriend?





Miki: “You don’t go out on afternoon dates with your sex buddies. I might have sex with someone I find attractive but wouldn’t date them if I didn't like their personalities or we didn’t see eye to eye on certain things. Sex buddies are, well, just for sex.”

Yuka: “I had friends with benefits before, but if I think there’s no way I’d want to date someone I’d never have sex with them.”

UNI: “I don’t have any now, but I did in the past. I’ve got this thing where I can’t get into people who have something for me. Even if I don’t hate them, if we aren’t on exactly the same wavelength they can never be more than a sex buddy.”

Surprisingly all the girls have had sex buddies before. For some, the line between lover and sex friend is an emotional connection. Girls of this age can be very horny, too. Another girl mentioned that having a friend with benefits simply allows you to have some casual fun on a regular basis. It's not that they’re not satisfied with their girlfriends--like the old saying goes, variety is the spice of life.

Q.ひと月にどれくらいセックスをする?How many times do you have sex in a month?




UNI:「正直、セックス面でトラブルが起きると関係を修復するのは大変だよね。“じゃあ、セックスしましょう”って問題でもないじゃん? ナイーブな問題だよ」


Yuka: “Lately once or twice a month. We’re together every day, but we’re both so busy...”

UNI: “I meet up with my girlfriend once a week. For the first 8 months or so we did it every chance we had. After that, she started refusing (laughs). It’s heartbreaking. What’s up with that?”

Miki: “There was this girl I was really into emotionally but if I didn't feel like having sex she would bug me like ‘why don’t you want me?’ Normal friends can be together a long time without thinking of sex, right? The more she tried to get me to do it, the less I wanted to.”

UNI: “Honestly, if there’s any trouble on the sexual front it’s hard to keep a relationship alive. You can't just be like ‘Well dear, let’s have some sex now.’ That’s too naive.”

Straight couples aren’t the only ones who stop having sex after dating a long time. Whether it’s because you’re both too busy or just content with hanging out, sex drives can falter. What’s more, they say that once you enter the sexless zone it’s very hard to make your way back out.

Q.どんなときにセックスをしたくなる?When do you get horny?





Miki: “After drinking, or just before my period starts. I get especially turned on if the other girl is the aggressor.”

Yuka: “I don’t drink, but I get in the mood whenever I see a cute girl.”

UNI: “I like to do it after drinking too. If someone tells me they want to do it, I’m basically always down.”

Men and women both get more frisky with alcohol in their systems. Before their periods, a hormone called progesterone can also make girls hornier. During that time they're much more likely to get sexual with the right girl.

Q.オナニーとセックスの違いはなに?What’s the difference between masterbation and sex?








Yuka: “I almost never masterbate. I have sex much more often.”

UNI: “They say that girls can project onto their partners. Like, if you’re a top (the more dominant partner. ‘Tachi’ or ‘neko’ in Japanese), you get off by seeing your partner’s expressions and vice versa. That’s why I don’t materbate.”

Miki: “Skin on skin contact is so important. Masterbation is just focused on one point. It gets old, you just come right away. ”

UNI: “Doing it together with someone is so great. I love cumming together on an emotional level.”

Miki: “The more you like someone, the more you want to know their body. No matter how much you love them you can’t embrace their soul so the body’s all you have to work with. My girlfriend once masterbated next to me when we weren’t having sex. When she was getting close to cumming I reached over and kissed her. ”

Yuka: “That’s rough. I like getting others off more than being taken care of. That’s why I’m a top.”

Some girls are satisfied with only sex while others still sneak away from their girlfriends to masterbate with a toy from time to time. One girl said she doesn’t use toys with her partner. When asked why, she replied ‘because the toys can be so good that it makes regular sex seem less fun.’ When put that way sex sounds like an act of charity.

Q.将来子どもは欲しい?Do you want to have children someday?





Miki: “I guess you could say I do.”

UNI: “I’ve recently started feeling like I do. I was thinking about the best way to have children when I realized that I had an older brother who could help by donating his sperm to impregnate my partner’s egg. I’ve got that much worked out, but I wouldn’t know what to do after the baby was born yet. I’m worried about how the kids would be treated for having lesbian mothers and other societal issues. It’d be hard. If one of us takes the role of the mother, what should the other parent do? It’d be hard on us too. What if you need to get them at the hospital and the staff won’t recognize you as a legal parent?”

Yuka: “If this were America I’d want kids. ”

Many lesbians say that they would like to have children. Raising them in the current society, however, is another matter. Simple acceptance is just one of the many concerns.

Q.渋谷区や世田谷区には同性パートナーシップ制度が導入されているが、それについてはどう感じている?Shibuya-ku and Setagaya-ku have programs in place to recognize same-sex partners. How do you feel about these?


みき:「制度だけあっても仕方なくない? 渋谷区のパートナーシップ制度には申請にお金がかかるしね。でもなんで、男女間で結婚ができて、女同士、男同士だとお金を取られないといけないのかな」




UNI: “The truth is that even if the government tries to force these programs through it doesn’t really do much to help the LGBT community. If the residents of those areas voted and approved them, it might be a different story.”

Miki: “What good is just being recognized, really? I mean, it costs money to register in Shibuya. I don’t get why a man and a woman can marry no problem but it costs money for gay and lesbian couples”

UNI: “Education regarding LGBT issues is key.”

Yuka: “I think if there was more education people’s mind would gradually change. We get most of their ideas from our parents, but if we taught the truth in schools the situation would improve.”

After Shibuya-ku recognized same sex relationships, Setagaya followed suit, though only with a barebones program. To apply in Shibuya you need to get a document drawn up by a legal professional and notarized by a public officer. Once that’s out of the way, each partner must pay ¥20,000 (¥40,000 per couple) toward something called a voluntary guardianship contract, plus another ¥15,000-¥20,000 for a marriage license. For young couples this can be prohibitively expensive.

Q.日本の夫婦はセックスレス、といわれるが、理由はなぜだと思う?They say that the majority of married Japanese couples aren’t having sex. Why do you think that is?


UNI:「共働きでお互いに疲れてるからセックスしないってこと? でも、疲れてる人でもセックスすることはあるよね。それって、男性が消極的っていうことじゃないの」



ゆか:「セックスはしていても、子どもを作らない主義なんじゃない? いまは昔みたいに子どもをどんどん作ろう、っていう社会でもないじゃん。セックスレスにはいろんな原因があると思うんだよね、女性の社会進出や、現代の食生活とか、そういうものが性欲に関わっていると思う」


Miki: “Probably because both partners are working now.”

UNI: “Like, they’re both too tired from work to do it? Don’t tired people have sex? Maybe the men are too passive.”

Yuka: “Or maybe because women are more empowered and can say ‘no’ now.”

UNI: “I think even if the wife is in the mood, guys are too busy with work and don’t communicate properly. It’d be even worse if both partners are working.”

Yuka: “Could it be that people don’t want to make babies anymore? Back in the day the goal was to have a bunch of kids. That could be part of it. I think there are a lot of reasons, like female empowerment or our modern diets. Even small stuff can have a big impact on your sex drive.”

Like we heard in our past interviews these girls also believe that female empowerment and lack of communication between partners are to blame for sexless relationships. The fact is that even straight couples aren’t having children these days. Family structures in the 21st century are more diverse than ever.

Q.同性愛者間のセックスを通して子どもを作ることは不可能だが、LGBTと少子化の関係性をどう見ている?Same-sex partners can’t make babies together. Do you think the LGBT community has contributed to our population decline?










Miki: “Some gay and lesbian couples want to have kids, some don’t. It’s no different than straight couples.”

Yuka: “The number of LGBT people is pretty constant. Even if society were more accepting, it’s not like our numbers are going to suddenly increase or decrease.”

UNI: “Let’s say the population were dwindling on account of homosexuality. In that case I believe there would be people who denied their sexuality to get married or have kids.”

Yuka: “Yeah, that’d be a problem for all of mankind. Would they make a decree that all women must get with a man?”

UNI: “Even if I were forced to marry a man, I still wouldn’t want to give birth to a child.”

Miki: “I think the best solution would be to allow couples that want kids to have them.”

Yuka: “In fact allowing LGBT couples to have kids could contribute to society and help solve the population crisis.”

As of 2015, Japan’s LGBT communities made up around 7.6% of the population. Some people feared that recognizing same sex couples would worsen the declining population, but so far there’s been no evidence to support those accusations. We can only hope that those in the sexual majority and minority can work together to make a happy and fair environment for everyone.


Q.自分にとってSEXとはなに?What does sex mean to you?





UNI: “It’s a bond that goes deeper than flesh.”

Yuka: “It’s communication first and foremost. I don’t do it just because it feels good.”

Miki: “It’s communication with people you care about.”

All three agreed that sex is a form of communication that goes beyond the flesh. They’re using their bodies to validate each other's’ experiences as sexual minorities. To them this is one of the more profound joys in life. Despite the physical limits, their deep desire to connect with one another is no different than nothing short of incredible.


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